“You can lose a game when you outscore somebody in a game, and win when you're outscored.” - John Wooden
Previously we touched on achieving one big thing. It can be a fun game, no question about it. But even if we reach it, does that guarantee success?
I'd argue: No, winning and achievement are not synonymous with success.
Here's why:
Many people who win the big race, get the big job, or achieve the big thing are:
unhappy
lonely
and numb
Perhaps I haven't gone to the highest level myself, but on a smaller scale I've felt all of these things at times.
This doesn't mean that achievement and fulfillment/happiness are mutually exclusive. But when we exclusively chase the former, the latter can get neglected, and vice versa.
So, what are we to do?
We need to replace our definition of success. As Casey Neistat said, “Without a goal, you can't score.” We need to make sure we are aiming at the right thing. After all, it’s no use kicking a field goal when we’re actually playing basketball.
Our definition of success will likely be different for everyone, but a strong mix of these three things should yield great results:
Deep Connections
Rich Experiences
Meaningful & Interesting Work
Details on each of these below:
Deep Connections:
No matter if you're an extrovert or introvert, we are wired to connect. Life is a team sport, and we need to carefully craft our village. Carefully here has a dual meaning.
First of all, we need to be selective. There's a hard truth in choosing to live an extra-ordinary life, it often isolates people who choose to be ordinary. This doesn't have to be malicious. There's simply a limited amount of time in each day, so it needs to be allocated according to our priorities. If we replace our evening bar scene with a bike ride, some of our current friends might be uninterested or unable to join. It can be challenging to maintain those connections as the shift can cause some friction in those relationships.
Second, those relationships need to be full of care. As the rapper NF sings in one of his songs,
“If you want love, you're gonna have to give some away.
If you want trust, you're gonna to have to give some away.”
Building and maintaining your village takes effort and work, but it's well worth it.
Beware, some of those connections start shallow, but when you do hard things together the walls between individuals come down and strengthen around the relationship.
Perhaps you even apply this to your relationship with yourself and God.
Rich Experiences:
“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” - Maya Angelou
The word rich here is not about the monetary value, but rather the quality of the experience. Just like a cake can be bland or full of flavor, so too can the minutes of the day. We all have experiences all day long, every day, but it's the ones that fill our senses to the brim that make us stop and savor each second that count.
This doesn't mean we need to just be having sweet moments, sometimes it's the bitter, sour, and hard to swallow moments that are just as impactful.
In greek, there are two words for time: chronos and kairos.
Chronos time is time as we know it, minutes and hours and days passing by each the same duration as the last.
Kairos time is different. It's about how time slows down and almost stops, while simultaneously whizzing by when we are having one of these rich experiences. It's that feeling of being extremely present, or perhaps in a state of flow. We're dialed in, yet at the same time almost having an out of body experience and feel like we're watching ourselves from an outside perspective.
We want to include as many of these kairos moments or rich experiences as we possibly can in our lives. Think back on some of the ones that stand out in your life. Occasionally they are the great vacations, but they can also be as small as a delicious homemade meal enjoyed with friends.
Meaningful & Interesting Work:
This isn't just about your career. This will be very unique for each person and can include things like:
parenting
meal prep
volunteering
creative outlets
etc.
Think back to my post about “artWORK” for more ideas here. In a sense, it's about being intentional with your time. This doesn't mean that it all has to be “productive”. It just has to be meaningful to you.
My thought is that this would tie into both our connections and experiences.
For example:
playing basketball at the local gym with a group of friends because it allows you to feel youthful and competitive
researching and planning places and restaurants to visit on a trip
trying new recipes out so you can help yourself and family fuel & feel better
a race that allows you to travel to a new or favorite location
or simply getting fitter to be able to spend more quality time with your kids or grandkids
As I said, it depends entirely on what is meaningful and interesting to you.
- - -
When we have a great blend of these three things, there's a great chance that you feel successful, regardless of what the ordinary metrics say. The amount of importance in each will be unique to all of us, just like our individual tastes in food. Even more, as our priorities shift over time, where we feel we should allocate our attention, energy, and resources will too.
Hope this gives you some food for thought. As you chase your one big thing, consider how it impacts your:
connections: both shallow and deep, new and old
experiences: both big and small
and work: in a different sense
Happy training!
Coach Griffin